This Stupid DayJanuary
| January 1 | Old Year's Day Lamenting the untimely end of the year gone by. |
| January 2 | National Misused Semicolon Day Remembering; and celebrating; the misuse of the semicolon. |
| January 3 | National Curdled Milk Day Celebrating curdled milk. |
| January 4 | National Throw a Spoon Day Throw a spoon across the yard. It'll make you feel better. |
| January 5 | National Poopsicle Day Celebrating the frozen dog poop in the yard. |
| January 6 | National Broken Cork Day Celebrating the broken cork that fell into your bottle of wine. |
| January 7 | National Horse-Faced Dog Day Celebrating dogs with horse faces. |
| January 8 | National Poke a Tree Day Find the nearest tree and poke it. |
| January 9 | National Left Big Toenail Day Celebrating the left big toenail, king of the toenails. |
| January 10 | National Office Supplies Day Celebrating office supplies, the greatest invention of modern man. |
| January 11 | National Day of the Cat Butt Celebrating the humble cat butt. |
| January 12 | National French Fry Enshrinement Day Celebrating the enshrinement of the miraculous french fry. |
| January 13 | National Unplug the Microwave Day Unplug your microwave today…at least for a few minutes. |
| January 14 | National Wipe Your Car Day Today you should wipe your car with something other than sandpaper. |
| January 15 | National Chicken of the Sky Day Celebrating the chicken of the sky, brother of the chicken of the sea. |
| January 16 | National Viscous Coupling Day Celebrating the viscous coupling, engineering at its finest. |
| January 17 | National Eyes in the Front of Your Head Day Celebrating those with eyes in the front of their head. |
| January 18 | National Ball-Point Pen Mountain Day Celebrating the discovery of a mountain of ball-point pens. |
| January 19 | National Climb the Wall Day Climb the wall and rest your head on the ceiling. |
| January 20 | National Don't Order Pizza Day Do not order pizza today. |
| January 21 | National Perforation Day Celebrating perforated paper. |
| January 22 | National Illuminated Stapler Day Celebrating the illuminated stapler. |
| January 23 | National Day of the Irritable Bowel Celebrating all irritable bowels, and those especially irritated today. |
| January 24 | National Wear a Cravat Day Today, you should wear a stylish cravat. |
| January 25 | National Squeeze the Celery Day Squeeze the celery. |
| January 26 | National Deflated Rabbit Day Celebrating the internationally renowned deflated rabbit. |
| January 27 | National Plastic Tarp Day Celebrating plastic tarps and other mediocre waterproofing methods. |
| January 28 | National Rubber Mallet Day Celebrating the brave sacrifice of the rubber mallets. |
| January 29 | National Spay the Hamster Day Spay your hamster today. |
| January 30 | National Day of the Frozen Soda Celebrating the soda you left in the freezer. |
| January 31 | National Num-Lock Awareness Day Raising awareness of num-lock, unappreciated keyboard key. |
February
| February 1 | National Day of the Leash Law Celebrating the nation's leash laws. |
| February 2 | National Cheesecake Slurry Day Celebrating cheesecake slurry, the tastiest of all slurries. |
| February 3 | National February Second Day Remembering the second day in February. |
| February 4 | National Day of the HOA Celebrating the ruthless enforcement of grass length. |
| February 5 | National Knotted Shoelace Day Celebrating the knotted shoelace that won't come undone. |
| February 6 | National Sticky Waffle Memorial Day Honoring the sacrifice of the sticky waffle. |
| February 7 | National Inflatable Lamb Chop Day Celebrating inflatable lamb chops. |
| February 8 | National Cat Toes Day Celebrating the cute, tiny toes of cats. |
| February 9 | National Forgotten Remembrance Day Remembering all the remembrances that have been forgotten. |
| February 10 | National Speak Normally Day Speak normally today. No fake accents or gimmicks. |
| February 11 | National Stinky Belgian Day Celebrating stinky, garlic-eating Belgians. |
| February 12 | National Hunt for Pink October Day Celebrating the ongoing hunt for Pink October. |
| February 13 | National Celebration of Doubt I doubt this is important. |
| February 14 | National Denzel Valentine Day Celebrating the career and accomplishments of Danzel Valentine. |
| February 15 | National Leisure Suit Memorial Day Mourning the untimely death of the leisure suit. |
| February 16 | National Extraction of the Cheese Stick Day Immediately extract the cheese stick. |
| February 17 | National Vinegar Enema Day Consider the vinegar enema. Just consider it. |
| February 18 | National Video Conversion Day Celebrating the conversion of video from one format to another. |
| February 19 | National Deep-Fry the Pillows Day Deep-fry your pillows today. |
| February 20 | National Micro-SD Card Day Celebrating the micro-SD cards piling up in the bottom of your purse. |
| February 21 | National Silent-But-Deadly Day Celebrating the silent-but-deadly fart. |
| February 22 | National Motor Oil Day Celebrating motor oil, which is useful, but not delicious. |
| February 23 | National Don't Die Day Don't die today. |
| February 24 | National Unwheeled Bicycle Day Celebrating bicycles without wheels. |
| February 25 | National Mark Everything 'Like' Day Mark everything 'like' on Facebook. Everything. |
| February 26 | National Power Outlet Day Celebrating the power outlet, grounded or ungrounded. |
| February 27 | National Burn a Bath Towel Day Burn one of your bath towels today. |
| February 28 | National Day of the Emergent Worm Celebrating the inspirational, emergent worm. |
| February 29 | National Annual Celebration Day The quadrennial celebration of annual celebrations. |
March
| March 1 | National Bell-Bottom Socks Day Celebrating bell-bottom socks, inexplicable and undefined. |
| March 2 | National Wood Awareness Day Raising awareness of wood, a useful plant-based material. |
| March 3 | National Right-Front Wheel Day Honoring the right-front wheel, the most important wheel. |
| March 4 | National Eat an Apple Computer Day Eat an Apple computer today. |
| March 5 | National Day of the Chocolate Bathrobe Celebrating the world's chocolate bathrobes. |
| March 6 | National Angry Voicemail Day Leave somebody an angry voicemail today. |
| March 7 | National Oven Dial Day Celebrating the dials on the oven. |
| March 8 | National Undulating Lizard Day Celebrating the world-famous undulating lizard. |
| March 9 | National Doorway to the Roof Day Celebrating the doorway to the roof. |
| March 10 | National Buttered Baster Day Celebrating the great buttered baster. |
| March 11 | National Astoria Day Yell and scream "Astoria" at people. |
| March 12 | National Motorized Mailbox Day Celebrating the humble motorized mailbox. |
| March 13 | National Trundle the Bundle Day Immediately trundle all of your bundles. |
| March 14 | National Booyah Day Celebrating the timeless booyah. |
| March 15 | National Day of the Melon Baller Celebrating the melon baller, most useful of the ballers. |
| March 16 | National Air Duct Day Celebrating air duct systems, vibration isolators, and tuning vanes. |
| March 17 | National Fluffy Prawn Day Celebrating the fluffy prawn that has been sitting out too long. |
| March 18 | National Dripping Faucet Day Celebrating dripping faucets, beloved benefactor of the water utilities. |
| March 19 | National Car Paddle Day Paddle your car down the river. |
| March 20 | National Speed-Bump Jump Day Go as fast as you can over every speed bump you find. |
| March 21 | National Find the Holy Grail Day Go find the holy grail. It shouldn't be difficult. |
| March 22 | Day of the Living Emu Remembering the holy resurrection of the emu. |
| March 23 | National Extreme Jogging Day Celebrating extreme jogging, king of the sports. |
| March 24 | National Thorax Admiration Day Admiring the immense beauty of the thorax. |
| March 25 | National Uneaten Kung-Pow Day Celebrating uneaten kung-pow chicken. |
| March 26 | National Imaginary Insect Day Celebrating imaginary insects, superior to real ones. |
| March 27 | National Penguin Platter Day Celebrating the delicious penguin platter. |
| March 28 | National Touch the Mirror Day Touch the mirror, longingly. |
| March 29 | National Hexagon Pie Day Celebrating and honoring all hexagonal pies. |
| March 30 | National Crooked Tie Day Wear your ties crooked. If anybody says anything, insist that it isn't. |
| March 31 | National Mountain of Goats Day Celebrating the infamous mountain of goats, located in Uzbekistan. |
April
| April 1 | National Microsoft Word Day Honoring Microsoft Word, the word processing software to the stars. |
| April 2 | National Suspicious Hat Day Celebrating the suspicious hat. |
| April 3 | National Morkey Moose Day Celebrating Morkey Moose, off-brand Mickey Mouse. |
| April 4 | National Wear Your Bowl Day Wear a bowl. It's really important that you do this. |
| April 5 | National Left-Front Wheel Day Honoring the left-front wheel, the most important wheel. |
| April 6 | National Injection Molding Day Celebrating the process of injection molding. |
| April 7 | Day of the Unending Conference Call Hold an unending conference call today. |
| April 8 | National Frayed Wire Day Celebrating the frayed wire and its heroic sacrifice. |
| April 9 | National Room-Temperature Chowder Day Celebrating the immortal room-temperature chowder. |
| April 10 | National Bradford Pear Day Celebrating the pungent, fruitless pyrus calleryana tree. |
| April 11 | National Mop Day Celebrating the mop in all its lovely variations. |
| April 12 | National Beef Pickle Day Celebrating the beef pickle. |
| April 13 | National Nitrile Englovement Day Celebrating the honor of nitrile englovement. |
| April 14 | National Misplaced Door Day Celebrating the misplaced door. |
| April 15 | National Angry Wasp Day Celebrating the angry wasp, bane of the gardener. |
| April 16 | National Photoshop of the Ear Day Celebrating all Photoshop edits to the humble ear. |
| April 17 | National Blue Light Day Celebrating blue lights. |
| April 18 | National Cat Litter Scooper Day Celebrating the un-sung hero of the litter box. |
| April 19 | National Lost Keys Day Celebrating the loss of your keys. They must be around here somewhere. |
| April 20 | National Goose Fart Day Celebrating the aromatic scent of the goose fart. |
| April 21 | National Cluttered Desk Day Celebrating the cluttered desk, sign of brilliance and ingenuity. |
| April 22 | National Planets Other Than Earth Day Protecting the environment of all planets other than Earth. |
| April 23 | National Stale Code Day Celebrating the stale code in your repository. |
| April 24 | National Diet of Tasty Worms Day Celebrating a delicious diet of tasty worms. |
| April 25 | National Exploratory Frisbee Day Celebrating the brave, exploratory frisbee. |
| April 26 | Day of the Commercial-Grade Carpet Honoring the sacrifice of commercial-grade carpets. |
| April 27 | National Bad Apple Day Celebrating the bad apple, second cousin to the big apple. |
| April 28 | National Stubbed Toe Day Stub your toe today. It's fun! |
| April 29 | National Day of the Living Bug Celebrating the living bug, which burrows through your software like a groundhog. |
| April 30 | National Wear Your Boot On Your Head Day Your pony will be delivered to the address on-record. |
May
| May 1 | National Move It A Pixel Left Day Move it a pixel to the left. |
| May 2 | National Sickle Probe Remembrance Day Celebrating the humble dental sickle probe, also known as the dental explorer. |
| May 3 | National Cowboy Underwear Day Celebrating cowboy underwear, which, you know, is probably good underwear. |
| May 4 | National 'Star Search' Day Remembering 'Star Search,' the syndicated competition television show. |
| May 5 | Day of the Eternal Muffin Celebrating the eternal muffin of Paris, Virginia. |
| May 6 | National Reciprocating Saw Day Celebrating the reciprocating saw, king of the saws. |
| May 7 | National Day of the Backslash Use a backslash every time you would usually use a normal slash. |
| May 8 | National Mobile Phone Charger Day Celebrating the humble sacrifice of the mobile phone charger. |
| May 9 | National Surgical Retractor Day Celebrating the surgical retractor, king of the retractors. |
| May 10 | National Slurp the Soup Day Slurp the soup! |
| May 11 | National Day of the Setting Sun Today, the sun will set. |
| May 12 | National Abusive Skink Day Abusive skinks are everywhere. Feed them to snakes. |
| May 13 | National Lemonade Gasoline Day Celebrating any gasoline that might be, somehow, made of lemonade. |
| May 14 | National Uncontrolled Day Today is uncontrolled. |
| May 15 | National Day of the Day Celebrating the twenty-four hour day, which is superior to other days. |
| May 16 | National Mold Awareness Day Raising awareness of mold, the world's greatest fungus. |
| May 17 | National Tail of the Lemur Day Celebrating the amazing tail of the lemur. |
| May 18 | National Orbit the Planet Day Orbit the planet today. Twice if you can. |
| May 19 | National Left-Rear Wheel Day Honoring the left-rear wheel, the most important wheel. |
| May 20 | National Vampire Bat Denial Day Affirming vampires by denying the vampire bat. |
| May 21 | National Waldo Memorial Day In memory of Waldo. |
| May 22 | National Rotting Canoe Day Celebrating canoes rotting down by the river. |
| May 23 | National Split Infinitive Day You should boldy split infinitives today. |
| May 24 | National Actual Dragons Day Celebrating actual dragons, but not imaginary ones. |
| May 25 | National F7 Day Celebrating F7, most beloved function key. |
| May 26 | National Visit Your Uncle Day Visit your uncle today. Unless you have more than one of them. |
| May 27 | National Other Nations Day Celebrating the nations other than our own. |
| May 28 | National Paper Towel Mountain Day Celebrating mountains made of paper towels. |
| May 29 | National Trim the Branches Day Trim the branches! |
| May 30 | National Post Your Elbow on Instagram Day Courageously post your elbow on Instagram today. |
| May 31 | National Covfefe Day Despite the constant negative press covfefe |
June
| June 1 | National Giggly Tween Day Celebrating the world's giggly tweens, and those who somehow survive them. |
| June 2 | National Space Potato Day Celebrating the humble space potato. |
| June 3 | National Desert Full of Toads Day Celebrating the desert full of toads. |
| June 4 | National Eat Food Day Eat food today, unless you don't want to. |
| June 5 | National Rub the Bunion Day Rub the bunion! |
| June 6 | National Rotating Platter Day Celebrating the rotating platter, king of the platters. |
| June 7 | National Roof Rack Crossbar Day Celebrating useful roof rack crossbars. |
| June 8 | National Soul of the Shoe Day Celebrating the soul of the shoe. |
| June 9 | National Watch for Falling Rock Day Honoring the continuing search for Chief Falling Rock. |
| June 10 | National Nude Pterodactyl Day Celebrating the nude pterodactyl. |
| June 11 | National Cheese Grater Awareness Day Raising awareness of the cheese grater, most useful of graters. |
| June 12 | National Pillory a Pillow Day Pillory a pillow today. It deserves it. |
| June 13 | National Purple Pencil Day Celebrating the purple pencil. |
| June 14 | Day of the Thousand-Year-Old Egg Celebrating a thousand-year-old egg living in a cave in China. |
| June 15 | National June Equinox Day Today is the June Equinox, which isn't a real thing. |
| June 16 | National Unnecessary Film Reboot Day Celebrating the unnecessary film reboot. |
| June 17 | National Awareness Awareness Day Raising awarness of the virtue of awareness. |
| June 18 | National Burn a Donut Day Light a donut on fire. Let it burn. |
| June 19 | National Asterisk Appreciation Day Celebrating the asterisk, most star-like of the punctuation marks. |
| June 20 | National Nationals Day Celebrating the nation's nationals. |
| June 21 | National Printed Website Day Print out your favorite website today. |
| June 22 | National Circle of Spice Day Celebrating the unending circle of spice. |
| June 23 | National Get Off My Lawn Day Chase trespassers from your property, with or without firearms. |
| June 24 | National Semaphore Awareness Day Raising awareness of the semaphore that surrounds us. |
| June 25 | National Concrete Remembrance Day Remembering concrete, lost on this day in 1919. |
| June 26 | National Poop Smear Day Celebrating the iconic poop smear. |
| June 27 | National Thunder-Cow Day Celebrating the heroic Thunder-Cow. |
| June 28 | National Trample the Flowers Day Trample some flowers. You know you want to. |
| June 29 | National Right-Rear Wheel Day Honoring the right-rear wheel, the most important wheel. |
| June 30 | National Day of the Flying Frog Tell everybody that you'll do it when frogs fly! |
July
| July 1 | National Indeterminate Smell Day Celebrating the indeterminate smell. |
| July 2 | National Pilates Pirates Day Celebrating the legend of the Pilates Pirates. |
| July 3 | National Grassy Ass Day Celebrating the grassy ass, especially those featuring dirt streaks. |
| July 4 | National Tax Dependents Day Celebrating all claimed dependents on U.S. tax filings. |
| July 5 | National Money Order Day Celebrating the underutilized money order. |
| July 6 | Day of the Stapled Abdomen Celebrating all stapled abdomens. |
| July 7 | National Scroll-Lock Remembrance Day Remembering scroll-lock, the second least appreciated key. |
| July 8 | National Mosquito Awareness Day Make yourself aware of the mosquito today. |
| July 9 | National Right Big Toenail Day Celebrating the right big toenail, king of the toenails. |
| July 10 | National Eat Your Aspic Day Eat your aspic! It's delicious! |
| July 11 | National Pretentious Frenchman Day Celebrating the pretentious Frenchman. Yes, Louis. You. |
| July 12 | National Listen to Corn Day Listen to the corn in your heart. |
| July 13 | National Go to Wake Day Why go to sleep when you can go to wake? |
| July 14 | National Telegraph Day Celebrating the tattered remnants of the telegraph system. |
| July 15 | National Rusty Jeep Day Honoring the project Jeeps that should have been left alone. |
| July 16 | National Day of the Picosecond Celebrating the underutilized picosecond. |
| July 17 | National Watch the Watch Day Spend today watching your watch. |
| July 18 | National Emu Awareness Day Raising awareness of the humble emu in northern Idaho. |
| July 19 | National Nostril Blog Day Blog about your nostrils today. |
| July 20 | National Visit the Swamp Day Visit a swamp. Just do it. |
| July 21 | National Come Out of the Pantry Day Be yourself today; come out of the pantry. |
| July 22 | National Fax Your Cats Day Put cats on the fax machine and send them to your friends! |
| July 23 | National Sugar on Your Onion Day Put some sugar on your onions today. |
| July 24 | National Spoon Conversion Day Convert your spoons to forks. |
| July 25 | National Unset Concrete Day Celebrating the world's unset concrete. |
| July 26 | National Day of the Sniffed Finger Get that finger out of your ear. You don't know where that finger's been. |
| July 27 | National Brain Fart Day What day is it again? |
| July 28 | National Day of the Floppy Disk Celebrating the sacrifice of the late floppy disk. |
| July 29 | National Hyphenation Day Celebrating the hyphenation of words, nec-essary or not. |
| July 30 | National Not-My-Circus Day Not my circus. Not my monkeys. |
| July 31 | National Lost Potato Day Where did I put that potato? |
August
| August 1 | National Jackson-Pratt Drain Day Celebrating the Jackson-Pratt Drain, king of post-operative drains. |
| August 2 | National Fake Wood Day Celebrating the world's fake, plastic wood. |
| August 3 | National Upside-Down Duck Day Celebrating the upside-down ducks of America. |
| August 4 | National Spork Inferno Remembrance Day Remembering the disasterous Spork Inferno of 1947. |
| August 5 | National Day of the Forgotten Onion Remembering the onion that you forgot. |
| August 6 | National Crooked House Number Day Celebrating the crooked house number, which is just too hard to fix. |
| August 7 | National Bad Jokes About Hospitals Day Make bad jokes about hospitals today. |
| August 8 | National Bird Diarrhea Day Celebrating birds with diarrhea. |
| August 9 | National Internet Awareness Day Raising awareness of the Internet, an unknown computer network. |
| August 10 | National Gouged Frying Pan Day Remembering the valiant, gouged frying pan. |
| August 11 | National Painful Sneeze Day Celebrating painful sneezes, the most unfortunate sneezes. |
| August 12 | National No Flowers on Cakes Day Flowers aren't food. Don't put them on cakes. |
| August 13 | National Flowers on Cakes Day Flowers are pretty. Put them on cakes. |
| August 14 | National Remember the Budget Day Remember the budget! |
| August 15 | National Birth of the Birthday Day Celebrating the humble birth of the birthday in eighth-century Albania. |
| August 16 | National Mass Air Flow (MAF) Sensor Day Celebrating the Mass Air Flow (MAF) sensor in your car. |
| August 17 | National Day of the Inverted Color Palette Invert all of your color palettes today. |
| August 18 | National Butt-Wipe Day Wipe your butt. |
| August 19 | National Shave the Frog Day Shave the nearest frog. Do it now. |
| August 20 | National Grass Awareness Day Raising awareness of grass. |
| August 21 | National Banana Bandana Day Celebrating the banana bandana. |
| August 22 | National Dish Soap Day Celebrating dish soap, useful soap for dishes. |
| August 23 | National Virginia Earthquake Remembrance Day Remembering the mildly inconvenient 2011 Virginia earthquake. |
| August 24 | National Pop a Yoga Ball Day Pop one of those stupid yoga balls. Ugh. |
| August 25 | National Trim Your Ear Hair Day Trim your ear hair today. It needs it. |
| August 26 | National Day of the Exploding Muffin Remembering the tragic loss of the exploding muffin. |
| August 27 | National Wafting Fart Day Celebrating the wafting fart and its incredible journey. |
| August 28 | National Papal Toothbrush Day Celebrating the pope's toothbrush. |
| August 29 | National There Are No Aliens Day Celebrating that there are no aliens and Earth is safe. |
| August 30 | National Hide in the Bushes Day Hide in the bushes. Now is the time. |
| August 31 | National Brake Light Awareness Day Be aware of the brake lights that surround us. |
September
| September 1 | National Block IIR-M Series GPS Satellite Day Celebrating the eight IIR-M series GPS satellites. |
| September 2 | National Try the Sausage Day Try the sausage today. It's worth it. |
| September 3 | National Stand in a Flower Pot Day Stand in a flower pot today. Be one with the garden. |
| September 4 | National Poop on the Stairs Day Poop on the stairs today. Why not? |
| September 5 | National Jaywalking Awareness Day Raising awareness of the walk of the chattering jay. |
| September 6 | National Rose Implantation Day Permanently implant a rose plant. |
| September 7 | National Hazard-Light Test Day Test the proper function of your hazard lights today. |
| September 8 | National Obnoxious Flashing Light Day Celebrating the obnoxious flashing light in the window. |
| September 9 | National Tall Stack of Ice Cubes Day Celebrating the tall stack of ice cubes. |
| September 10 | National Yugo Remembrance Day Remembering the Yugo, also known as the Zastava Koral. |
| September 11 | National Neutron Awareness Day Raising awareness of the neutron, useful subatomic particle. |
| September 12 | National Pluck an Eyebrow Day Pluck a single eyebrow today. |
| September 13 | National Surprise Donkey Day Surprise! Donkey! |
| September 14 | National No Pineapple on Pizza Day Pineapple does not belong on pizza. Stop it. |
| September 15 | National Pineapple on Pizza Day Pineapple belongs on pizza. Deal with it. |
| September 16 | National Colorized Photo Day Celebrating the colorized photo, especially those poorly done. |
| September 17 | National Oxygen Day Celebrating oxygen, which is useful for breathing. |
| September 18 | National Shank a Magical Pony Day Shank a magical pony. Just do it. |
| September 19 | National Find a Rock in the Road Day Find a rock in the road. Leave it there, but at least you found it. |
| September 20 | National Day of the Ruptured Spleen Remembering the world's ruptured spleens. |
| September 21 | National Mailbox on the Moon Day Celebrating the mailbox on the moon, and those who deliver to it. |
| September 22 | National Don't Eat Cupcakes Day In memory of all the frosting lost, do not eat cupcakes today. |
| September 23 | National Inverted Face Day Invert your face. It's easy! |
| September 24 | National Day of the Torque Wrench Celebrating the torque wrench, king of the wrenches. |
| September 25 | National Tweet the President Day Send a meaningless Tweet to the President of the United States. |
| September 26 | National Pinky Ring Day Celebrating the pinky ring, and those pinkies still un-ringed. |
| September 27 | National Misplaced Bucket Day Celebrating the misplaced bucket. |
| September 28 | National Day of the Daily Exercise Regimen Remembering the untimely death of the daily exercise regimen. |
| September 29 | National Legal Disclaimer Day Celebrating the legal disclaimers at the bottom. |
| September 30 | National Tweezer Remembrance Day Remembering the humble tweezer. |
October
| October 1 | National January Day Honoring and celebrating the month of January. |
| October 2 | National Scrollbar Day Celebrating the scrollbar, useful for scrolling. |
| October 3 | National Milk Froth Day Celebrating the timeless beauty of milk froth. |
| October 4 | National Day of the Forgotten Suitcase Remembering the suitcase that you had forgotten. |
| October 5 | National Spiral Pasta Crushing Day Crush your spiral pasta before it has the chance to crush you. |
| October 6 | National Deny Everything Day Deny everything. Hurry. |
| October 7 | National Not Microwave-Safe Day Today is not microwave-safe. Don't microwave it. |
| October 8 | National Azimuthal Equidistant Projection Day Celebrating the azimuthal equidistant projection and its beautiful distortions. |
| October 9 | National Biohazard Day Today is a biohazard. |
| October 10 | Diez de Octubre Celebrating the tenth of October, a day which did not occur in Spain in 1582. |
| October 11 | National Charred Marshmallow Day Honoring the charred marshmallow that was left in the fire too long. |
| October 12 | National Ladle of October Day Remember, remember, the ladle of October. |
| October 13 | National Ejaculatory Phrase Day Celebrating the ejaculatory phrase, which should be used in earnest today. |
| October 14 | National Light the Noodle on Fire Day Light the noodle on fire. Now. |
| October 15 | National Don't Play With Arsenic Day Don't play with arsenic. Just don't. |
| October 16 | National Day of the Explosive Burrito Celebrating the explosive burrito. |
| October 17 | National Brunch Liberation Day Celebrating the liberation of brunch. Be free, brunch. |
| October 18 | National Running Out of Toner Day You are running out of toner today. |
| October 19 | Wesley Green's Birthday Celebrating the birth of Wesley Green, national hero. |
| October 20 | National Electric Fan Day Celebrating the electric fan. |
| October 21 | National Subcutaneous Splinter Day Celebrating subcutaneous splinters, especially wooden ones. |
| October 22 | National Turtle of the Sky Day Celebrating the world's rarest creature, the Turtle of the Sky. |
| October 23 | National Unsprung Weight Awareness Day Raising awareness of the scourge of unsprung weight. |
| October 24 | National Day of the Mid-Summer Celebrating the sun and heat of the mid-summer. |
| October 25 | National Floor Awareness Day Raising awareness of the humble floor, carpeted and uncarpeted. |
| October 26 | National Dongle Day Celebrating the unsung dongle. |
| October 27 | National Imploding Gourd Day Celebrating the infamous imploding gourd. |
| October 28 | Happy Birthday Day Wish everybody a happy birthday today. Everybody. |
| October 29 | National Drop the Fork Day Drop your fork onto the restaurant floor. They'll bring you a new one. |
| October 30 | National Bonnet Day Wear a bonnet. This is very important. |
| October 31 | National Day of the Parting Sloth Celebrating the infamous parting sloth. |
November
| November 1 | National Parade on My Rain Day It's so annoying when somebody parades on my rain. |
| November 2 | National Lane Marker Day Celebrating the humble lane markers of the nation's highways. |
| November 3 | National Eat-Your-Fats Day Make sure you keep your fat intake up. It's good for you. |
| November 4 | National Pay-By-Check Day Rekindle the joy of paying for products and services by check. |
| November 5 | National License Plate Day Celebrating and honoring the license plate. |
| November 6 | National Burnt Counter Day Celebrating the many burn marks on the world's counters. |
| November 7 | National Four-Way Stop Day Celebrating the four-way stop, and those who fail to navigate them correctly. |
| November 8 | National Find Yourself Somewhere Else Day Go find yourself…but please, do it somewhere else. |
| November 9 | National Five-Legged Spider Day Paying respects to those spiders who lost three of their legs. |
| November 10 | National Scheming Pyramid Day Remembering the scheming pyramids that originated the pyramid scheme. |
| November 11 | National Find a Nail in the Road Day Go find a nail in the road. Remove it if you want to. |
| November 12 | National Dingle Bells Day Celebrating the world's dingle bells. |
| November 13 | National Go to the Attic Day Go to the attic. You probably haven't been there in a while. |
| November 14 | National Q-Tip Inversion Day Celebrating the infamous inversion of the Q-Tip. |
| November 15 | National Pug Fart Day Celebrating the aromatic scent of the pug fart. |
| November 16 | National Day of the USB Floppy Drive Celebrating the USB floppy drive, king of transitional technologies. |
| November 17 | National Face on the Sun Day Celebrating the face on the sun, the man in the moon's cousin. |
| November 18 | National Cow on the Golf Course Day Celebrating the humble cow on the golf course. |
| November 19 | National Shorten a Standing Desk Day Find the nearest 'standing desk' and shorten it to the proper height. |
| November 20 | National Annual Review Celebration Day Celebrating the annual review, everybody's favorite work activity. |
| November 21 | National Oily Residue Day Celebrating oily residues, natural and artificial. |
| November 22 | National Derpy Derp Derp Day Derpy derp derp hooray. |
| November 23 | National Day of the Forgotten Cat You forgot your cat. |
| November 24 | National Stuck in the Teeth Day Celebrating the food stuck in your teeth. |
| November 25 | National Pepper-Spray Condiment Day Use your pepper-spray as a condiment...but don't blame me. |
| November 26 | National Desert Island Day Celebrating all uncharted desert isles. |
| November 27 | National Slobbering Bird Day Celebrating the slobbering bird of Saint Louis. |
| November 28 | National Anniversary of the Anniversary Day Celebrating the humble birth of the anniversary in fourteenth-century Mongolia. |
| November 29 | National Buzzing Fluorescent Day Celebrating the buzzing fluorescent light and its magical headaches. |
| November 30 | National Ball on the Roof Day Celebrating the balls stuck on the nation's roofs. |
December
| December 1 | National Uninspired Poem Day Celebrating the world's most uninspired poems. |
| December 2 | National Day of the Pontiac Aztek Celebrating the world's greatest car, the Pontiac Aztek. |
| December 3 | National Dropped Phone Day You dropped your phone. |
| December 4 | National Bandaged Foot Day Celebrating the bandaged foot, and all its loving associates. |
| December 5 | National Rubber Pizza Day Celebrating the rubber pizzas served in school cafeterias everywhere. |
| December 6 | National Meh...Good Enough Day Today, everything should be considered…meh…good enough. |
| December 7 | National Cowpiguck Day Celebrating the duck stuffed in a pig stuffed in a cow. |
| December 8 | National Compressed Garbage Day Celebrating compression of garbage into little cubes. |
| December 9 | National Ask Stupid Questions Day Ask a lot of stupid questions today. Why not? |
| December 10 | National Give Stupid Answers Day Give a lot of stupid answers to questions today. Why not? |
| December 11 | National Broken Toothed Dog Day Celebrating the dog with broken teeth. |
| December 12 | National Hair in the Drain Day Celebrating the balls of hair that are stuck in shower drains. |
| December 13 | National Day of the ^ Celebrating the caret character and all its useful incarnations. |
| December 14 | National Contraflow Lane Reversal Day Celebrating the rarely-used contraflow lane reversal. |
| December 15 | National Day of the Cylinder Misfire Celebrating the cylinder misfire, king of the misfires. |
| December 16 | National Drive to Hawaii Day It is the best possible day to drive cross-country to Hawaii. |
| December 17 | National Day of the National Day Today we celebrate the days that we celebrate. |
| December 18 | National Software Update Day Celebrating software updates. |
| December 19 | National Periodontal Probe Day Celebrating the periodontal probe, king of the dental probes. |
| December 20 | National Stab the Tofu Day Stab the tofu. Just do it. |
| December 21 | National Play Tag With Boat Anchors Day Play tag with boat anchors. |
| December 22 | National Squirming Day Celebrating the day of the maddening squirm. |
| December 23 | National Pot of Rabbits Day Celebrating a large pot of rabbits. |
| December 24 | National Home Invasion Day Celebrating Santa's unauthorized entry into billions of homes. |
| December 25 | National Big Let-Down Day Celebrating the big let-down after the grand build-up. |
| December 26 | National Rounded Rectangle Day Celebrating the rounded rectangle, prevalent shape. |
| December 27 | National Hat-in-the-Cat Day Celebrating all hats that were eaten by cats. |
| December 28 | National Political Screaming Match Day Celebrating the effective political screaming match. |
| December 29 | National Dog Vomit Encapsulation Day Celebrating the careful encapsulation of the world's dog vomit. |
| December 30 | National Twisty Turny Day It is a great day for twisty turnies. |
| December 31 | Day of the Ingrown Toenail Celebrating the ingrown toenail, unsung hero of the foot. |